Sexual Assault


I was molested as a child, so I am well acquainted with this arena:  this arena where the victim becomes the culprit.  Yes, I told someone a few years later, and it turned out more ugly for me than for the molester.

One thing that my experience did for me was that it taught me how some men think, and I was very careful after that to take precautions, to be careful with what I wore, how I acted and where I went. I took responsibility for myself, my character and my safety.

It is never ok, it is never right for sexual assault or rape to happen to someone.  And if it can be proved or corroborated, the molester should pay.

However, responsibility is the most important factor in all of this.

What our children should know:

Women should take responsibility for themselves and quit being the victim for the rest of their lives.  Women do have a choice. They do not have to let themselves be manipulated to have sex with someone to further their career.  No job should mean so much to you that you would sell out yourself. Therefore, I do not believe in the MeToo movement.

We can, with great predictability, be aware of those places where sexual assault is more likely to happen and avoid those places.  We do not have to frequent places where people drink and forget their values and their character. We can show some wisdom about what time we are out at night, when it is safe to be alone, and when it is not.

We cannot control all circumstances, but we can do our best to control those things that are within our power to control.

I have two daughters, and two sons.  I have seen the world through my daughters’ eyes, but I have also seen the world through my sons’ eyes.  Men are not always evil, and women are not always innocent.  Both should be cautious of each other.  It has become a world where neither sex can trust the other.

Men must find it necessary to protect themselves the same way women should protect themselves, because sometimes women are evil and men are innocent.

As I said, I was molested as a child.  The molestation was worse then some and not as intrusive and traumatic as others’ but it was a betrayal, hurtful and damaging.  I could say that it ruined the rest of my life as far as my ability to make good decisions in relationships and the way I felt about myself.

I should have and wish I would have been able to talk to someone when I was a child.  It may have offset the side effects that occurred.  It may even have protected other girls.  I do not know.  But, if I was in Dr. Ford’s place, I would definitely not have come forward.  Here’s why:

Now this is a gynocentric country and that would have encouraged me to come forward, knowing that the probability was great that I would be supported by a large fraction of society that played to the base of the Democratic left who blindly support women who accuse men of sexual assault and blindly side with the women against men in divorces and in many other situations.  They do not care about the rule of law or due process, or being innocent until proven guilty.  They are great experts at manipulation and inflammatory language.  They are great experts at denying the truth even in the face of it. However, I would have realized that there are things at stake that are much more important than whether or not my grievance was addressed.

The alleged incident with Dr. Ford took place when she and the accused were teenagers. If it was Kavanaugh,  apparently he did not rape her and may not have even touched her privates.  I am not questioning whether or not some incident took place.  I do question that it was Judge Kavanaugh.  If they were drunk, how can any alleged incident not be questioned? In a situation where drink rids one of inhibitions and control, can blurry minds or the recall be trusted?

In my case, the molester was not another child.  In my mind, that makes what happened to me definitely more potent and criminal.  In Dr. Ford’s case, both were children.  That does not make it right, but it does bring a different perspective.

I would have looked at Judge Kavanaugh’s entire life.  In my case, I should have told, because there were other girls at risk for molestation. In her case, however, based on the lack of evidence, the severity level of the allegation and the honorable reputation of Judge Kavanaugh since the alleged incident, Dr. Ford should not have come forward.

Judge Kavanaugh’s testimony was corroborated by at least 65 women who stood up for him, ready to testify to his integrity.  The women who have worked closely with him for years have nothing but positive comments about his character.  A person who had done what the allegations stated, would likely have continued to violate and disrespect women in some fashion.  I remember when I was questioned about an incident at work that I could not remember.  The question was given, “Would you have normally applied these measures given the scenario?”  In other words, would my integrity, character, and work ethic have dictated my actions, even if I did not remember the situation?  This same question could have been asked to Judge Kavanaugh.  So the possibility of the alleged incident is extremely questionable given the principles that have guided his actions and character of his life since then.

If, in the unlikely scenario, he did do what the allegations stated, he was 17, she was 15.  He did not rape her. He likely did not touch her private areas.  She felt threatened. She was scared.  But how far did he really go?  I am not justifying him. If indeed he did even that much, it was not right.

However, if she would have considered what was at stake if she were to come forward with an uncorroborated blurry story of mild assault, threat and fear from a 17 year old boy, would she have thought herself to be justified in doing so?  If it was Kavanaugh, he obviously did not carry on the same behavior displayed at 17 by one uncorroborated incident.  His reputation going forward was one of honor, excellent character, high respect for women and integrity.  He is married and has 2 young daughters.  His excellent reputation has been corroborated.  This does not seem consistent with someone who would have committed the alleged behavior.  But if he did, he has redeemed his life against any such improprieties.  And is it worth destroying his family and his honor? Is it worth humiliating him before the whole world?  He is obviously not a sexual threat to anyone. Come on, Dr. Ford.  You claim to be a psychologist.

I would also have questioned the motives of those pushing me to go public.   Dr. Ford is supposed to be smart.  Why did she not question their motives?  Diane Feinstein held the letter for weeks.  She did not immediately act on Ford’s behalf.  Feinstein pressured her to go public when Ford wanted confidentiality.  She waited till the 11th hour to use it to her advantage instead of Christine’s.  Lindsey Graham is right.  Dr. Ford is as much a victim of the Democrat party as is Judge Kavanaugh.  Did she really think they cared about her as a person and not as a tool to use in a political game?

Speaking of consistent behavior, did anyone question Dr. Ford’s character, her past, her references, her behavior and so forth?  Has she brought allegations before?  Has she shown instability and unreliability?  How much does she drink?  Does she do drugs?  How is her reputation? What are her motives?  What were her motives for even going to the party?  As I said before, women are not always innocent. I used to know a woman who actively tried to be raped by putting herself in sketchy environments, because she wanted to be pregnant. There are all kinds of people in the world, with all kinds of motives.

Then there is the matter of the Clintons, their sexual scandals, their silencing of the women accusers, the rumors of the murders associated with their name.  This a former President of the United States and First Lady!  The highest office in the land!  And Bill Clinton was allowed to continue in office with his wife covering for him and threatening the women accusers.  There could be nothing more despicable and nothing more potent that could expose the hypocrisy of the Democrats than this! Compared to Bill and Hillary Clinton, Judge Kavanaugh is an angel, even if he is guilty of the alleged behavior.

Additionally, their “Believe all women” mantra is the height of hypocrisy.  They don’t really believe all women. They did not believe any of the Clinton accusers.  They do not believe the 65 women who came out in support of Judge Kavanaugh.  They do not believe his friends and coworkers.  Qualified, the statement should read,  “Believe all liberal, Democratic women who can be used to further the cause of the left no matter how uncreditable they are.

I am not a Democrat, but I am embarrassed and ashamed of their behavior as fellow Americans who should stand for what is right.

I am afraid for my sons, who have to live in a gynocentric society and have to deal with the fear of being falsely accused with the possibility of losing their reputation and their jobs.

And I hope I have raised my daughters with enough integrity that they will never use a false accusation against a man for revenge, or to further their agenda.

I hope I have raised my sons to be honorable, to respect women and all human beings and to never violate another human being in any fashion.

Finally, from what I have observed from the Kavanaugh hearing, the virtue of compassion has been lost.  There has been no compassion shown  to the Kavanaugh family from the Democrats, from the media,  from the left or from Dr. Ford.  And there has been only fake compassion shown to Dr. Ford.

If I were Judge Kavanaugh, I would want to step down as candidate.  But I hope he will not.  His greater purpose should be to show his children and others what it means to stand for the truth.  Keep shining through all of this, Judge Kavanaugh! We are counting on you!








I Lost My Way

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I lost my way on the day the world turned upside down.

Neatly stacked and categorized, all was safe and sound.

Until the day my heart was broken, and all I thought I knew

Seemed not to matter anymore, and was it ever true?

This final thing betrayed myself and I crumbled in the dust

And if the truth was not,  where was the truth I could trust?

So God doesn’t work the way I thought, so maybe I got it all wrong

I had done my best to follow His lead, to listen to His Song

Then the thing I thought would never be, drove a sword into my heart

It turned my world upside down and tore my mind apart.

The foundation from which choices came was no longer there

The choices came from a paradigm created from doubt and fear.

And since my heart deceived itself,  it drew the darkness in

And since no true light could be found, all that remained was sin.

Instead of God, I led the way and thought that it was right

Deception locked me in a pit  and took away my sight.

Because things did not turn out like I thought they should I fell

Into the depths of misery, into the depths of hell

But even through the darkness, a ray of light shone through

For God dwells in the darkness and His faithfulness is true.

He slowly led me to the light and made my vision clear

I saw that Jesus had not changed. It was me, I said, through tears

How much of it was anger?  How much a spineless fit?

Or was it that my view of God had to crumble bit by bit?

In His likeness I was made. He was not made in mine.

He was not the God I thought I knew, not the God by my design

But the God of love came after me.  I was not left alone.

Faithful and true, He had not changed.  Forever I am His own.

Right was right and wrong was wrong.  His Word was always true.

And behind all this His love reached down and again He made me new.

Life is still broken, but I have hope. Because He lives, I live.

I know He loves the ones I love.  He is good and He’ll forgive.

Like a good Father, He will run to them and lift their face to His

He will clasp them in His warm embrace and give them a holy kiss.

This is my hope, this is my prayer, that my child will hear His call.

That she will heed the Sweetest Voice, give her life, her soul, her all.








Still Unsure of Orthodoxy

What a journey!  I have not written anything about this journey for quite a while.  I think it is because I had made up my mind that Orthodoxy is the way to go.  Then something happened to make me question it all again.


So the investigative part of the journey began again.

The whole thing may very well have been engineered by God.  I ran across several articles and videos by protestants, Catholics, and Orthodox about justification by faith vs works and the losing one’s salvation.  I had already picked up on this somewhat from the Orthodox perspective, but I think I had just made up my mind to swallow it, thinking that maybe it was just semantics and that they were all really saying the same things.  But I know now that the words said by a protestant may have a different meaning when said by an Orthodox.

From what I have gathered from my research, the Orthodox Church does not believe in Justification by faith alone. Of course, that takes us back to the issues of the Reformation.  However, in an interview, an Orthodox priest said that we come to Christ by faith and are justified initially.  The issue is that we can lose that salvation, that justification.  I have yet to hear the exact criteria set forth to identify at what point we lose that salvation, at what sin, or at what degree of sin, or what state of mind.

It seems that in order to hold to the position that we can lose our salvation, one must necessarily believe that our works justify us, and not our faith.  Galatians 3:6 says “Abraham believed God, and it was accounted to him for righteousness.” A few verses before that in verses 2 and 3, it says “This only would I learn of you, Received ye the Spirit by the works of the law, or by the hearing of faith? Are ye so foolish? having begun in the Spirit, are ye now made perfect by the flesh?”

The one event in the Bible that speaks most to this is, the thief on the cross who said ” ‘Lord, remember me when thou comest into thy kingdom.’ And Jesus said unto him, Verily I say unto thee, Today shalt thou be with me in paradise.”   The thief did no works.  He only believed.  Undoubtedly, had he lived, his faith would have manifested itself in works.  True faith has works.  As James says, “though a man say he hath faith, and have not works? Can faith save him?”  Of course  not; saying you have faith does not mean you have faith.  That “faith” cannot save.  It is only the kind of faith that evidences itself by works that can save a person.  Yes faith alone can save, but faith is never alone; faith is manifested by works.

“It is God that worketh in you both to will and to do of his good pleasure.” Phil 2:13

“Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ.” Phil 1:6

“For who He did foreknow, he also did predestinate to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brethren.”

“Love never faileth.” I Cor.13:8.

“God is love.”  I John 4:8

So then God never fails.  He will accomplish what He set out to do.  He will conform us to His image.  The good work in us that He started, will be performed.

He will not lose even one sheep of those His Father gave Him. John 6:37-39:  “All that the Father giveth me shall come to me; and him that cometh to me I will in no wise cast out. For I came down from heaven, not to do mine own will, but the will of Him that sent me.  And this is the Father’s will which hath sent me, that of all which He hath given me I should lose nothing, but should raise it up again at the last day. And this is the will of Him that sent me, that every one which seeth the Son, and believeth on Him, may have everlasting life: and I will raise him up at the last day.”

John 10:28-29: “My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me; And I give unto them eternal life; and they shall never perish, neither shall any man pluck them out of my hand.  My Father, which gave them me, is greater than all; and no man is able to  pluck them out of my Father’s hand.”


How can anyone say that Christ will lose any of those His Father gives to Him? How can we say that He will fail to keep His covenant?  Of course we will fail, but He will not.


Orthodox believe in infant baptism. Now as I understand it, infant baptism is infant regeneration or salvation.  The infant can neither have faith or do works, and yet he is proclaimed saved.  The liturgy after the infant  baptism states, ” It has pleased You to grant rebirth through water and the Spirit to Your newly enlightened servant, and to forgive his/her sins, both voluntary and involuntary….O You who through holy Baptism, have given to your servant remission of sins, and bestowed upon him/her a life of regeneration…  who has regenerated Your newly-baptized servant by water and the Spirit, and granted to him/her remission of his/her sins, .”  and to the child, “You are baptized. You are illumined. You have been chrismated. You are sanctified. You are washed; in the Name of the Father, and of the Son,. and of the Holy Spirit.”

Infant baptism is obviously more that just asking the Holy Spirit to go with the child and protect him/her.  It is salvation, regeneration, sanctification, forgiveness of sins, and rebirth. I do not see this taught in the Scriptures.  And here we have the crux of the matter.  Orthodox will say, “but it is taught in tradition.”  I do not believe that something as important as this would not at least have been mentioned or allowed for in the Scriptures.  James and Galatians speak of faith and of works, not of which the infant is able to have or do.   It does not allow for Infant Baptism/Salvation.

If becoming Orthodox means that I must give up the belief that salvation is eternal; that no one, not even myself can pluck me out of the Father’s hands, I cannot become Orthodox.  If becoming Orthodox means that I must not belief that salvation is by faith alone and yet a faith that is never alone, but always manifests itself by works, and instead believe that, according to Infant Baptism, one can be saved by works alone, since the infant is too young to have understanding and consequently faith, or in fact, since he/she is too young to have faith or to do works, one can be saved by ceremony without having faith or works, than I cannot be Orthodox.

Since it was, according to Orthodox, that the church gave us the Scriptures, than why if they thought is so  important, did they not include writings in the canon of scripture that supported or even mentioned Infant Baptism, or the veneration of icons, or the sign of the Cross, or how many times one had to immersed in order follow the “one baptism” that is actually mentioned in the Scriptures?  And if those who wrote supporting these things wrote other things that were not according to the faith or at least questionable, and that is the reason they were not included in the canon of Scripture, than how deserving are they of any credibility at all?  And by what authority did those who passed on those traditions, pick and choose from the writings those things to be followed, if not according to the authority of the very Scriptures the Church chose to include in the canon?










Listen to her:

She is really saying that she is afraid.  She is afraid that her independence will be taken away…that decisions will be made for her.  I can remember when it first hit me that she was a person with likes and dislikes that nobody knew about.  I was planning a birthday party for her and someone asked me about her favorite meal.  I could not answer.  I did not know.  Who knew that my mother had a favorite meal?  She never voiced it.  She was always deferring to someone else.  Her person-hood confronted me at that moment and I felt bad…guilty that I had never fully given  complete person-hood to her.  I looked at her with new respect.  She is not here for her children alone.  She has dreams, desires, preferences, and dislikes.  The important thing is she still has all those things and now she is afraid of losing them because her children think they know what is best.

I have tasted a bit of that from my own children and it scared me, so I know how she feels.  Everyone can be forgetful, but if it is in an older person, it is attributed to old age and dementia.  Even if it is old age or dementia, do we have a right to take away their dignity by taking over their affairs, talking down to them, or making a decision without giving them the ultimate say?  I am sure there comes a time when taking over is appropriate.  Great wisdom and gentleness is needed to discern that moment.  A patronizing tone is always inappropriate.

It is hard not to assume that we know best for our children and for our parents.  In the case of our children, we see the trend of their behavior leading them in the wrong direction and toward negative outcomes.  In the case of our parents, our fears for them grow way out of proportion because we do not want to lose them.  In both cases, tend to magnify their weaknesses and rob them of choice.  In the process, we hinder communication and destroy their trust in us.

I have observed that one of the biggest mistakes that doctors and nurses make is to not listen to the patient, but instead assume we know what they are going to say or that we know what they need.  The patient becomes frustrated and shuts down, leaving the problem unsolved or misdiagnosed.

Since my mother is hard of hearing, there are greater difficulties she confronts.  People tend to talk over her or talk around her without talking loudly so she can be a part of the conversation.  Sometimes she just decides not to say anything when Dad’s doctor acts like she is not in the room and instead discusses Dad’s health with my sister. I have sensed her hurt in the car when she cannot hear what we are saying and we forget that she cannot hear.  I know she loves conversation and would love to be a part of whatever is going on.

The older I get the more convinced I am that listening is one of the most valuable virtues.  People want to be heard.  Their defensiveness, rebellion, quietness or stubbornness may give us a clue to that.

One of the most painful events for an older man is when he is to give up his driver’s license.  What a blow to his manhood and his independence!  I have seen the pain in his face.  And something inside of them dies when an older couple must sell everything they have and enter a facility.  It must be excruciating to part with a lifetime of accumulated memories and valuables that mean so much to them, but parting with independence would be even worse.

My mother was a little girl who had dreams like all other little girls.  She was one of many siblings, but wanted to be loved for who she was.  She made mistakes and was not always wise, but who is?  And who doesn’t make mistakes?  Children are so very hard on their parents.   I have watched her work hard all of her life to provide for her children and to do what she thought God wanted her to do.  I watched her give up things so her children could have. I have listened to her pray in her room often.  I watched her suffer with migraines sometimes on a daily basis.  I have seen her kill a snake and gut a chicken.  She was the best cook ever!  She made clothes for us. I watched her sing in church many times. How she loved that!  She taught us all to harmonize and love singing.  She loved people and she could talk to them so easy.  I admired that.  She had so many heartaches in her life and still does and yet she still loves God and hopes in Him.  She was a great Sunday School teacher to the ladies.  I miss her energy.  She was the hub of our home and the creator of our happy environment.  She could talk for hours and hours even into the early morning when her sisters would come to visit, or with her friends.  She was full of life and love and still is.

She still puts her needs on the back shelf.  She doesn’t insist that she goes to the doctor to get her meds adjusted or her teeth fixed.  She knows it is a hardship to take her to get better shoes or fix her hearing aids.  She lets Dad’s needs take the spotlight and worries about his health, his fluid intake and his medications.

I know the hurt she has endured.  Her dreams probably did not turn out the way she thought, but I know that given the choice, she would not have given any of us up.  She would have chosen to love us and to teach us about God.

She has faults.  That is what makes her human.  She is also loved by God and her family.  If there is a way we can honor her, we should do so. If we can still let her choose, we should do so.  If she needs to struggle on her own, to prove she has some independence and dignity left, we should let her.  And when she needs us, we will be there to help her and love her as we respect her desires, her dignity and her life.


Mary and Forgiveness

Today the sermon was about Mary, the Mother of God.  The veneration of Mary  vs the worship of Mary has been one of the obstacles I have encountered as I have entered in to Orthodoxy.  Some of the language of veneration sounds much like worship words to me.  Words like “make us worthy of compassion,” and “manifest thy power as ever.”  Those words seem to indicate that Mary has power.  I struggle to understand.

However, I have been thinking a lot about Mary.   Father Timothy said that Mary was a bridge from God to us and a ladder from us to God.  She was the conduit through which Christ was made incarnate, and when she died, she portrayed God’s redemption to mankind, a way to heaven.  The priests wore blue today and there was a blue cloth on the altar table in honor of Mary.  I did not realize that blue symbolized Mary, but then I noticed the icons of Mary after my friend Nadine whispered to me about them. Mary wore blue.

Blue.  The color of the heavens.  The color of Mary.  The color of peace and tranquility. The color of forgiveness?

I have two icons of Mary that show many swords piercing her heart.  “Then Simeon blessed them and said to His mother Mary: “Behold, this Child is appointed to cause the rise and fall of many in Israel, and to be a sign that will be spoken against, so that the thoughts of many hearts will be revealed —” and a sword will pierce your soul as well.” Luke 2, 34-35. 

I have yet to understand the full meaning of the swords that pierced Mary’s heart, but a sword must have pierced her heart when she stood below the suffering Christ on the Cross, watching Him, looking into His eyes, His blood possibly even dripping down on her, as she longed to take His suffering, feeling helpless, with love, in great distress.  In anger?  In “mother bear” mode?  With her innate strong sense of protection rising to the forefront, and yet unable to protect?  Perhaps wanting to lash out at those who hurt Him?

Mary, did you struggle with forgiveness?

Oh Mary, Mother of our Suffering Lord Jesus, you who know the piercing sword, please pray for my children, who have caused many swords to pierce my heart, as I have watched their pain and trauma play out in their sicknesses, their decisions and their sins. I have struggled with forgiving those who hurt my children.

Lord Jesus, Son of God, have mercy on them; on my children and on their offenders. And help my children to forgive, lest the root of bitterness defile them.

Today the sermon was also about forgiveness. It was about the man who had been forgiven much, penalized the man who owed him little.  Father Timothy pointed out that we have trespassed greatly against God.  We ought to forgive those who have trespassed against us, especially in that their trespasses against us are so minute compared to our great sin against God.

Father Timothy read a part of the liturgy indicating that God forgets our iniquities.  I struggle to grasp that.  Forget as in no memory of?  Or forget as in our sins not counting against us?   I truly wish I could really not remember what someone has done against me.  In my struggling, I can can come to the place of forgiveness, as in I do not want revenge, or vengeance, and I can think charitably of them, understand them, and pity them.  And I do believe that I have truly forgotten some offenses.  Yes, I can love  the offenders, even.  But in some cases,  when I live with the effects of the trauma and hurt every day in my personality, in the formation of my soul, in the sickness of mind and body, the pain it caused in those I love, and in the painful aftermath of the unwise decisions that trauma influenced, to totally forget is impossible.

I choose not to speak of it with the offenders.  I choose not to seek revenge or inflict pain.

I choose to bear it, to seek that continual state of forgiveness, and to pray for healing.

How Then Should We Worship?

I have been a church member almost my entire life.  More specifically, I have been a Baptist church member most of my life.  Attending church every time the doors were open was a priority for my family.  Not only that, but we attended neighboring revivals, camp meetings, church retreats, tent meetings, and vacation bible schools.

I have had, therefore, the opportunity to observe many church services, forms of worship, various types of singing, church leadership, church government, and pastors.  It does not make me an expert, but it has created in me areas of concern. I will address these areas of concern and try to work through to a satisfactory conclusion or at least a direction.

When all is said and done, there is only one reason I go to church.  That reason is obedience.  God said to not forsake the assembling of ourselves together as believers, and that is that.  No questions asked.  Period.  It is not for fellowship.  It is not for networking.  It is not to hear good preaching, good singing, or to be entertained.  It is not to “get something out of it.”  It is not to make friends.  It is not for my kids.  While these are all  good reasons, important reasons; the bottom line is obedience. Truth be known, there are many times that obedience is the only reason I go.

However, because I do go to church, I do expect certain things.  Not getting my expectations met, will not keep me from going, but there are some issues that cause me grave concern.  I have considered that it might be, on my part, a reluctance to change with the times.  Culture does change, and the way we relate to it changes. For the most part, I have learned that whatever the vehicle of worship happens to be, I can use it.

Maze Jackson, an evangelist who did much to influence my life when I was a teenager, taught me that I can praise the Lord no matter what kind of church service happens to be going on.  My body is the temple of the Lord and my heart is His sanctuary.  I am at home with the Lord at all times in my heart, and nothing but my own sin can hinder my worship of God.

Having said that, why then as I sit in the contemporary worship service of today, does my heart feel heavily burdened, and my desire for something more, something long gone, sits unrequited in the depths of my soul?  Something is missing.  Something is gone.

Perhaps we need to consider a bigger picture.  As we sit in our luxurious pews, our feet on carpeted floors, our ears entertained with the pleasing sounds of pianos, guitars, and drums, our minds stimulated with Bible trivia, relating to corny jokes meant to break the ice of preppy minds, have we lost sight of what is happening in the spiritual domain as the war between good and evil intensifies and the battle for souls is waged?  If we really believe what we say we do, would we be doing what we are doing?

Is there not a cause; a cause that is not about us? It is not about our entertainment or fellowship.  It is a holy cause.  C.S. Lewis describes the deep longing in our hearts for something more as a desire for another country, a better country.  We are not home yet.  We are pilgrims and strangers in a foreign land.  How dare we claim this as our own!  We are not here to acquire status symbols, prestige, fame or wealth.  That is not our purpose. We have a cause.

The Bible says a man’s gift makes room for him. This gift can be used in the secular world or in the Christian ministry. Using this gift in the secular world in order to minister Christ is noble, although at great risk for compromise leading to contamination. It would take the absolute surrendering to God of every faculty in a man to keep him at the place of humble useability. Otherwise pride and the seduction of the world would destroy him. But then, this is also true of the same man using his gift in Christian ministry. The infection of sin is constantly a threat in either case. “We have this treasure in earthen vessels…”to be sure.

But still, is there not a cause? What right have we to take our gift for ourselves? Should the gift not be subject to the Lord’s purpose?

Should the church not be subject to the Lord’s purpose? What right have we to take the church unto ourselves? What right have we to use it in any other manner expect a holy manner? How the lines have blurred between the holy and the unholy!

One could argue that it is not sin to use the arena of church to have fun, entertainment, and recreation. But is this the purpose of the church which is pictured as waging war against the gates of hell? Is there not a greater cause than fun, entertainment, and recreation in the name of Christ? All things are lawful, but all things are not expedient.

I concede that there is a great battle for the minds of our young people. Pizza parties, camping trips, and dancing to Christian rock music may not be the best venue in which to reach our children. Chanting seven words eleven times plays games with the mind and opens the doors to emotions mistaken for the Holy Spirit. And still our batting average for saving our young people remains very low. This is a battle entered too late, for it is first fought and won in the home before the age of six.

Do we think we can make the Holy Spirit more user-friendly by separating the family and congregation into age specific worship? The family lives together; can they not worship together? Would that not promote family relationship and cohesiveness? Would they not relish the memories of witnessing together God’s work among the congregation? We have fragmented the family of God in the effort of user friendly worship.

We all in our deepest core desire a greater purpose outside of ourselves to serve and worship instead of being focused on ourselves and our enjoyment. I submit that young people are much more likely to rise to the challenge of training for missions and evangelism, and in doing so become more like Christ, than they are to be changed by line dancing in the youth department.

I concede that the most effective evangelism is friendship evangelism. We reach out to our neighbors and the ones whose lives we touch. We love them with the love of Christ and pray for their souls, watching for that opportunity to give an answer when asked about the hope within us. I am not saying that having fun with friends at church is wrong. It does have its place.

What is missing is intentional evangelism in our activities. What is missing is the manifest difference between the holy and the unholy, the clean and the unclean, and the wise and the unwise. We are called to be a peculiar people. While this may be subject to interpretation, it obviously calls for a definite delineation between the saint and the sinner. Are we raising rock stars and dancing queens or people who would lay down their lives for others for the sake of the gospel?

The eye is no longer single, we have a perverted purpose. We have learned that we can safely make a decision for Christ without any kind of life change. We have believed without repentance. Gone are the days where we come to the altar to mourn our sins and repent. I can remember a revival meeting when I was a teen in which the evangelist preached a message on “My Sins.” His message addressed the verse about being less concerned with the mote in our neighbor’s eye and more concerned about the beam in our own eye. He emphasized the enormity of our own sin and the call to repentance and forgiveness. The power of God was felt and evidenced in so much that people flocked to the altar in repentance and then got up from their knees and went to their neighbor to ask forgiveness. I remember fathers going to their children, husbands and wives reconciling, and friends asking forgiveness for offenses. There was weeping, and there was great joy. It was indeed one of the most beautiful services I have ever witnessed. That was only one of the many memories I have of the altar being filled with people weeping and rejoicing.

The lack of emphasis on repentance in the church has given birth to a shallow Christianity that is satisfied to leave the doctrines of the hymns and sing songs that talk about worship and praise, chanting lines over and over until people are worked up emotionally. We have substituted this created emotion for the work of the Holy Spirit. It was Isaiah who said in the presence of the Lord, “Woe is me for I am undone; because I am a man of unclean lips, and I dwell in the midst of a people of unclean lips; for mine eyes have seen the Kind, the Lord of hosts.” That would more than likely be our response in the physical presence of the Lord. We would be struck with our unworthiness to even be in His presence, a far cry from singing over and over that we worship and praise Him, and I am sure that at that moment we would know what true worship and praise really is.

The lack of emphasis on repentance in the church has also given birth to a people who can walk out of church on Sunday and feel that God will bless their efforts no matter what they are. So then, we end up with young people entering any profession expecting that God will help them and approve.

II Chronicles 7:14 says “If my people who are called by My name, will humble themselves and pray, and seek My face, and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin and will heal their land. What a promise! What an answer to the sickness in our lives and in our nation! This indicates that the answer does not originate in reforms of government or a promising presidential candidate, but in the repentance of God’s people.

This is not a call to stop enjoying God’s gifts to us. We are not called to legalism where women are targeted as the spiritual thermometers of the church according to their submissiveness and dress, and where the men are expected to attain to an authoritarian headship where wives dare not question and children are alienated. This kind of self-righteousness has done nothing to draw people to give “their utmost for His highest.”
It has also driven away our young people and destroyed our marriages.

Once you have experienced the convicting power of God in a worship service, you can never forget it, and you long to see it again for that is where lives are changed and the world sees God. It is not only where people are saved, but it is also where Christians are sanctified by His truth.

This is a call to fasting and praying, seeking God’s face. Did not God say, “Is not this the fast that I have chosen: to loosen the bands of wickedness, to undo the heavy burdens, and to let the oppressed go free, and that ye break every yoke.” Many of the old preachers, such as Spurgeon, attributed the blessings of God on their preaching to the hundreds of people praying for them, even while they were preaching.

The pendulum has swung from law to grace…from legalism to liberality. Balance the most important word in the christian language.


My Journey to the Way- Part 5 – Lent

I joined in about 2 weeks late, but I fasted for Lent, giving up dairy and meats.  It was not easy.  My body reacted by making me ravenously hungry. And I can’t say I read every label and completely followed every element, but I did pretty good.  I went into it not knowing really what was the purpose of Lent.  I knew part of it is to identify with Christ in His sufferings. I am still not clear about all of it, but the self-discipline of it, the denial of self, the focusing of our energies of Christ, makes us better followers of God .  I felt that.  I am eager to do it again next year.

Not just the fasting, but also the services. I attended all I could.  It is amazing how the worship services are so saturated in scriptures.  Two of the services were approximately 2 and half hours in length.  We read all of Psalm 119 in one service and several long passages in the gospels in another.  I managed to attend the Monday night Matins of the Bridegroom about the 10 virgins, the Friday night service about Lazarus, the Holy Saturday Matins, and the 11:30 pm service that lasted til 3:30 am.  We went back then for the 1:30 Sunday service.  Quite an exhausting experience, but spiritually refreshing as well.

Father Timothy had walked me through it during my session with him, so I knew some of what to expect.  There were beautiful aspects of it.  I was very moved with the icon of Christ being taken down from the Cross.  We marched around the church like a funeral procession led by the icon of Christ being borne above the heads of 4 men.  They stood in the doorway of the church still holding it high while we passed under the body of Christ and kissed the Word of God as we entered.

Time stood still as we commemorated the death and resurrection of Christ.  We stood with Mary and John there in Jerusalem at His Cross.  We went with Joseph as he brought the body of our Lord to the tomb.  We watched the stone being rolled into place and the guards set.

The lights came on, the  priests wore white, the people rejoiced as they sang “Christ has risen from the dead, trampling down death by death and to those in the tombs bestowing life!” over and over.  Jerusalem shone and Mary was radiant.  We felt all that as that sacred moment in time stood still.

We rejoiced further to realize once again that as Christ called Lazarus’s name and he came forth alive from being in the grave 4 days, so He will call His own by name some day and we will also come forth to live with Him forever.

Glory to the Father, and to the Son, and to the Holy Spirit, now and ever, and unto ages of ages. Amen.

The most important event ever to take place was celebrated.

I felt so much closer to the people after that.  I want to be closer still.

There is the matter of confession.

to be continued…