“I CAN’T FORGIVE MYSELF”

 

“Dorian Gray wants to remain the same till the end and also wishes that his painting would bear all the destruction or changes instead of him and in return, he is willing to give his own soul.” Quote from Notable Book.

 

 

I have heard the statement, “I can’t forgive myself,” many times.  I have even said it.

The truth is, “If I could forgive myself, I would not need God!”  What a concept! That was a quote I heard a woman say on Bott Radio Network; The Complete Story.  This woman had 3 abortions believing she was just ending a pregnancy. When she realized that she had killed her children, she was able to experience God’s forgiveness.

If I could forgive myself, I would be free to make any choice I want. I could live anyway that I desire. I could be impulsive and not worry about any consequences. Self forgiveness would not obligate me to live in any certain way or change my attitudes or behavior.I would have no need to walk in humility or repentance. I could be proud and forgive myself for it. The same sin could be repeated in my life, and I would not need to repent and change.

I am happy that I cannot forgive myself, for if indeed I could forgive myself, my soul would turn into an horrible disfigured image just like the portrait of Dorian Gray.

 

It is also true that I  will not forgive myself.  I feel that keenly.  I have done unforgivable things; made unforgivable choices.  I blame myself. Sure there were others that contributed to those choices, but I made them.  I will forever hold myself responsible for the domino effect my sins and choices have made on those I love.

I do not desire to forgive myself.  I deserve to hurt and suffer the consequences of my behavior.  Indeed, I punish myself in many ways. And yet, I feel the need for forgiveness.  To truly live and to function in a healthy way is dependent on forgiveness.  Otherwise, my choices will always be dictated by what I think I deserve instead of what God wants for me.

God’s forgiveness is a doctrine; a way of thinking and a way of life. The fruit of God’s forgiveness results in humility, because I am nothing and He is all in all; I have to acknowledge who He is and who I am. It results in repentance, because He is good and His goodness becomes imbedded in me, enabling me to not live according to who I am, but to live according to who He is in me. It is newness of life!

God’s forgiveness means that I can leave my loved ones and the suffering I have caused them in God’s hands, because He loves them much more than I do.  He is also their Redeemer and will work for their good. Their salvation and sanctification does not depend on whether or not I forgive myself, but on His mercy to them.

It is a good thing that I cannot forgive myself.  It is only God that can forgive, and I am not Him. My forgiveness is based on pride, because that would mean that I esteemed myself as someone who can forgive my sin.  I therefore choose the forgiveness of God, not my forgiveness.

I will bow to the forgiveness of God and accept His mercy and His grace.  I will rest in His forgiveness and be done with the struggle of forgiving myself. I can walk in the light of his forgiveness and be free to receive from His hand, bearing the image of God instead of myself.

http://www.christcenteredmall.com/stores/art/dicianni/the-cross.ht

Deathwash

It is coming upon me again.  That feeling of death washing over me.  The feeling of utter devastation and heartbreak.  It is a physical feeling, unmistakable, starting from my head and destroying me as it drowns my body.  It encases fear, despair, and death itself.  It is the death of dreams, ideals, love, goodness, purpose, self, and one’s whole world, culminating in a small lump of brokenness and a distinct heavy feeling that I do not matter. It is dark and evil.

I have experienced the deathwash several times in my life within two relationships.  Once as a girl and once as a woman.  I did not define it as such when I was a girl, but looking back, I can remember feeling like a broken devastated lump of nothingness when my trust was betrayed by an evil touch that destroyed my world and indeed my whole life.

I had such hopes and dreams of a wonderful marriage and family.  But the second time I felt death wash over me was the beginning of many more times it drowned me over and over again as my marriage was destroyed by betrayals and breaches of trust.

The deathwash has been with me through the years.  I felt it again when my daughter came out.  That time it almost destroyed me.  The deathwash leaked into my brain and changed my thinking even more, and I lost my way  for a while.

Now the deathwash is back.  And It makes no sense.  My life is a good one now.  I have a great job, great friends, great church.  Yes, my daughters are not making good decisions and that breaks my heart, but all in all, I know that God is good and has a plan for them.  I have not lost faith in His love for them.

My dad is dying.  The man who ruined my life and carved out the scarred broken roads of my thinking.  And it is all coming back.  Feelings all over the spectrum.  The struggle AGAIN to forgive.  I thought I had passed that.

Piercing question:  Did I forgive him because I felt I had no right to do otherwise? You see, I didn’t just feel invalidated; I felt like nothing, and a nothing has no right to feel anything but forgiveness.  I wasn’t a person any longer, so I could not be angry or sad or indignant.  I could only bow in forgiving subjection. And when my husband abused me and betrayed me, it made sense.  I did not deserve anything else. I was nothing.

It has taken my dad’s dying for me to see this. Somewhere along the line, I became a person.  A person who struggles still, but a person who has awakened to  life, joy, and to God Himself, and also to indignation, sadness and anger.  Now that person has to go through the process of forgiveness all over again, because looking back, I can see how he ruined by life, dictating the choices I made by the roads he carved in my brain. The nothing forgave. She did not have a choice and deserved nothing better.  This new person must forgive, every day. The person who did not exist back then and did not know of the struggle of forgiveness granted by a real person.

And with the struggle, comes the deathwash , threatening again to make me into a nothing, sucking me into the darkness of obliteration. How did the evil touch evolve into an evil black hole?

Like everyone else, I have times when I cannot remember things, but I remember with stark clarity the things he did to me, the way he treated me, the way he spoke to me and the words he said to me. And I cry. I have pulled back the veil and looked inside the hidden place.  How could it still hurt so sharply after all these years?

Deathwash, I feel you. Don’t drown me now.